Last Fall I picked up a copy of my local paper, The Times of Northport & East Northport,
and was so blown away by the antics I had to share it with the rest of the world.
Last week I came across their Memorial Day issue which was, by comparison and
in its own independent right, disappointingly lacking in adventure. And I felt
compelled to ask: ‘Would the real Northport & East Northport please stand
up?’
In the latest issue, as evidenced below, silliness predominates – if not by the town’s own doing then in the capers of those entrusted to its
journalistic representations.
And they waste no time. On the front page, below a piece
about the ongoing legal mumbo-jumbo involving the school district and the power
company and $47.9 million, we see an article on summertime water safety with
the (perhaps intentionally) vague headline ‘Constant Visual Contact.’ Skip this
blurb though; go straight to the sub-headline which says it all. ‘To prevent drowning, adults must keep eyes
on kids’. Wow. With sharp snatches like this what need is there for the article? Hey, there’s an idea. Instead of an entire newspaper they could put out a single
page newsletter comprised solely of headlines. ‘To prevent starvation, adults must feed kids’ for example. Imagine
the lives they could save, and for all the money they save on ink and paper the
school district and the power company can chill out and have a barbeque.
