When you are on the road few things are better than having a
place to crash for a night or three. Whether they be relatives (as was my good
fortune last weekend), friends (like this past week) or former co-workers from
eight years and fourteen time zones away (like tonight), having people who will
welcome you into their homes is pure bliss for the traveler – particularly if
your gracious hosts have young kids and/or toys to keep your own road-weary
munchkins emotionally stable for another day.
If the gods of the itinerary are really smiling on you, your
gracious hosts will, after providing you with free range of things, leave town.
But before that kid-in-the-candy-store giddiness gets out of
hand, you’d be wise, fellow freeloader, to keep a few things in mind. After
all, you might pass back through on your way home and want to crash again.
-- Not all appliances
are created equal. Familiarize yourself with the finer workings of things
like the electric stove and the washing machine. And the shop vac while you’re
at it. Know where the fire extinguisher is. Pull the pin ahead of time.
-- Easy on the Nutella.
People always say ‘Go ahead and eat whatever you want.’ – the unspoken caveat
being ‘then replace it you scrounge.’ Don’t eat a lot of one thing; sample
every open box, bag and container in the pantry, it’ll be impossible to tell
how much you’ve scarfed. Same goes for the liquor cabinet.
-- Addendum to the
above: Shuffle the canned goods around.
-- Don’t stress about
locking yourself out or losing the house key. Pick a back window or side
door and leave it unlocked and leave the key on the kitchen table, right on top
of the note that says ‘Make sure everything is locked, including (that side
door).’
-- Alternatively: Get
a spare key made and tape it to your lower abdomen. Either way you go on this
one, introduce yourself to the neighbors before
they call the police.
-- We all have bad
habits. Don’t leave incriminating evidence around, particularly in the
kids’ rooms. When in doubt, don’t flush stuff either. Just be sure to take out
the trash, a simple act of reputation-preservation which also scores points
with your hosts, as they will think you are actually trying to be helpful.
(Apply same concept to dirty diapers.)
-- Refrain from
advertising on social media where you are house sitting. Forget about
strangers, you don’t need your friends dropping by.
-- Sports fans: Know
where the CANCEL button on the remote is for when the DVR suddenly starts
recording two shows at once and totally cuts off the Giants game right when
they’ve recovered a fumble in overtime of the NFC Championship game.
-- Bring and use your
own laptop. Some people know how to find out where their pc has been,
virtually.
-- Any pets in the
house? Nip that potential disaster in the bud and lock the creatures out.
They can’t tell on you. Then again the neighbors can, so let the monsters into
the garage at night. Feed them beer.
-- Email people you
want to talk to. Tell them your host’s phone number.
-- You don’t have to
note what channel/station the TV/radio was on when you got there. You
should, however, think about what channel/station the TV/radio is on when you
leave. And how loud.
-- And come on, no matter how good that game/show/movie is,
keep your ass off the crème sofa in the living room with the off-white
carpeting and eat your damn pizza in the
kitchen.
These pointers do not of course comprise an exhaustive checklist of
ways to avoid house sitting catastrophe. They merely reflect bits of useful
wisdom garnered from experience. Please feel free to add your own, and together
let’s help maintain the good standing of the feckless, freeloading cheapskates of the world.
